part II

we stumbled out into the cold, rainy chinese night... ian's hand was dripping blood from the cuts the mug gave him after he smashed it a concrete bench and imperiously shouted to the attendants to "bring it on", waving a large broken shard around with evil intent... i thought it wise we split the scene immediately...

"did i evuh dell you de WEAL weason i'm in tyna?" he managed to half-speak... the paragoric and saki chasers had made his tongue somewhat numb... "nope", i replied, somewhat cautiously... he went on to explain that he came to beijing through the "back door", as it were, latching himself on to a diplomatic envoy sent by Nixon a few years earlier... he had been trying his hand at a panda aphrodisiac made from a crossbred monstrosity of bamboo and ayahuasca... funny thing is, the damned thing worked... pandas were hornier than ever and humping everything in sight...

except for each other.

unexplainedly, the food/drug caused uncontrollable panda erections in males while inducing heat in females, but for some reason, the pandas wouldn't fuck other pandas... no monkey, small bush, patch of mud, furry animal, nature photographer (animate or otherwise) or jungle denizen was safe from the amorous exploits of the bears... "had to shoot one of 'em in the kidney just to get the bastard offa my leg", he explained, showing me the panda tooth necklace he wore strung around his neck... "ever had a 600 lb panda try to get in your ass?? not comfortable. so i sez fuck the endangered species act..." his voice was beginning to falter and crack... he needed another drink, and desperately...